April 16th, 2003

kushi-kushi

I should be asleep.

But I'm not. Because my brain is going off. I got to thinking about some things which led to other things and, hey, may as well post about it, right?

And now no words are coming. Words were just falling out of my brain thirty seconds ago. Now I'm at a loss. I suppose it is too late to write much that is thought-provoking.

I'm thinking about friendships and points people have raised and concerns and all.

It's a lot of food for thought.

My close group of friends, most of them have known each other longer than I have known them. There is a lot of history and shared experiences and drama and I have known many of them long enough to participate in my share of it. Most of their lives have changed a lot in the time I have known them. I have seen some of them change a lot. It amazes me. I can hardly imagine what it is like for those who have known each other since starting college or around then. So much change.

I think changes in a friend can be one of the most difficult things to deal with. Especially if it is a close friend. For some reason I find myself surprised by the changes in my friend. Good, bad, whatever. Especially if that person is close to me. I mean, I had that person's character down! What right did they have to go and change something! How do I know that I'm not wrong about other things now?

I think it can be easier to deal with a drastic change in a casual acquaintance than it is to deal with a change in the hairstyle of your best friend. It just throws off a person's universe. Because, really, our world revolves around us at least to an extent. And we are so used to knowing certain things about a person, when that is thrown off . . .

I would like to say something exclusively to my close group of friends: no one is bitching at you behind your back or secretly thinking you are a terrible evil person. Well, other than you. Seriously. I mean, everyone has those little quirks that annoy their friends. that's a given. That's life. We joke about them, occasionally bitch about them when we get in a bad mood and need to bitch about something. Sometimes we do get upset at each other. Usually when that happens it gets discussed between the parties and everyone hears about it and perhaps has an opinion, perhaps not and still loves all involved. Because they are our friends and we love them. Or we care about them or whatever word we want to use. Anyway, no one is hating someone behind their back. Not that I know of. I mean, I haven't really heard of anyone bitching about anyone or drama or anything like that. And despite my moodiness of late I think I still have some sort of clue of what's going on. So yeah. None of your friends secretly hate you. Just you hate you. Yeah. You should probably talk to them. Get things straightened out. Well, maybe everyone secretly hates me and that is why I know nothing about it.

Ok, enough silliness. I'm really one of the last people to be talking about all this stuff because I fall in the same habits.

You know, there really is no set point to this. I'm just kind of talking. I'm getting sleepy. But it all centers around friends. I'm focusing on my close group of friends but in my experience this sort of stuff happens in all close-knit friends groups.

A person needs to allow themself to be vulnerable in a relationship. Otherwise the relationship can only go so far. A person may want to go beyond that wall but it's up to the individual to let them past it. And yeah, it's scary as fuck.

I think people too often use intoxication as an excuse for intimacy. E for example. It is fantastic for bonding and good talks and helps to clear away a lot of the bullshit. You can also do all that stuff when you aren't on E. The only difference is that when you are not on E you are much more aware of how scary it is to let down your defenses like that.

Disagreements and arguements are essential for a relationship to grow. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Sometimes you need to admit that you are wrong. And yes, sometimes you are wrong.

I think it is important to be honest with your friends even when it is something you don't think they would want to hear. Hey, I can tell you I would much rather hear it from you than my mother. And I may be hurt for a minute and sad but I will probably realize that you were right the second I walk away. Or maybe not. Perhaps I will understand your point and your reasoning but decide that while it may be good for you, it is not for me. And perhaps even later I will realize that you actually were right. I may even tell you. That is not the time to do the Snoopy dance singing "Told you so! Told you so!" Because that would be when I hit you.

Lj is not a substitute for conversation. Especially if it is important. Unless the person lives far away, that is a different story. Personally I most worry about boring people by talking about what they have read. Usually when i start talking about something people have read, the person I am talking to will say, "Oh I read about that in your journal". Then the conversation can continue.

And now I am very sleepy. Thanks for reading my little rambles and I do hope that you did not mind the tongue-in-cheek stuff. Feeling very blunt and a bit silly, that is always an interesting combination. At least to me.

Yeah, so the goddess of wisdom and good sense has spoken. I have no idea what she said, I was busy rambling in my live journal. Hah!!!