July 22nd, 2003


(no subject)

Today turned out to be pretty good. I came very close to killing one of my co-workers so she would JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. Plus her leaving had me stuck working for two exra hours. This is actually good because I ended up leaving with much more money than I would have.

I'm not really in the mood right now to post all about my day. Tomorrow I think. I'm going to just write a few random things.

Running in to all these people from the distant and not-so-distant past these past few days has been . . . interesting. It's gotten me thinking about how much I have changed, the people who have been/are in my life, and some other stuff. It brings back memories. It also has me thinking about some other people I've lost touch with. I kind of hope that Jeff gives Kellee my number and she calls me. Talking to Chris again sometime would be cool also.

I'd like to take tomorrow off from work, spend some time alone. I don't think I will though. I need money for too many other things. There are also so many things I need to get done.

I've actually been thinking a bit about my life and the direction it is going in. Partly due to running into people from my past, partly due to some conversations that I've had with various folks the past few days. Partly because, well, I'm 23 and in college, it's something you think about.

Remind me not to drink bunches of soda when I have dinner after 9 pm. It's so much harder to go to sleep early.

I decided to post a few things seperately.

I was talking to an actress over the weekend and she asked me when I am moving to LA. I get asked this quite a bit when I am talking to people about my acting. More and more lately it seems.

I don't want to move to LA until I need to. I don't want to move to LA to be an actress. I live in San Diego. It is close enough to LA. It's a long drive, but it can be done. I don't want to move to LA until it is absolutely necessary. I wonder how much of this is fear of leaving the place that I have lived in my entire life and that I still very much love.

I know the only reason isn't fear. I just don't want to move to LA until it is absolutely necessary. I don't see any reason to. When it comes to the itch to go some place far away I'm thinking San Francisco, New York, Europe.

I like LA but I would rather live in San Diego and hang out in LA. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I hadn't lived here all my life.

You know what I realized? I am terrified of picking up and leaving all that I know and is familiar. I know someday I will have to. Perhaps for the simple reason that I am so terrified to do it. Everyone should do it once in their lives I think. I don't feel the need to do it yet though. I think I will know when the time comes. I am pretty sure of that. Could that be me rationalizing my fear? Sure. I really don't think that it is though. I can't say why, I just know. There are certain things I just know.

On a kind of related note. The moving to LA for acting and my reluctance to do it has me thinking about whether it is something I can really do. Dedication-wise. See, in my acting classes one thing that I keep hearing over and over is that if someone wants to be a professional actor they need to give it their all, make sacrifices, it must be their life. I don't know if I can do this. I love acting. I love it. I need it. When I don't do it for awhile I feel as if I am missing something. I usually don't realize this until I get a chance to act again. I need more in my life though. I have so many interests and things I am curious about and I don't know that I would be willing to give them up. I know people who are actors. Period. They eat, sleep, breathe acting. That is all. It is what they know and what they do. I can't do that. I can't. Those people bore me to tears. I hate talking to them for any length of time, overall.

Is that what is necessary to be a professional actor? Really? In order to be successful in your chosen field do you have to be that field? To live it and that be all?

I don't think I can do that. For anything. I don't want to. I think I would end up very unfulfilled no matter how successful I ended up being.

Do I really have to find something and give it my soul?

I love acting just as much as the person who has/is nothing else. It's just not all of me. There's more.

Is there something wrong with that? Does that doom me to be less successful? Does it make me less worthy than someone who has devoted their entire being to acting?

I'm more than an aspiring actor. I like that about me. I don't think I am willing to give that up. Do I have to make that choice?

Something I have realized lately.

I am a really wonderful person. I make mistakes, I am not perfect, I have many flaws.

Overall though, I am very proud of the person I am becoming.

I will get my shit together. I am getting my shit together.

I am strong. I can get through anything. I may balk and piss and moan and cry but I will make it through.

Shit, I'm alive. Sometimes I can't believe I still am but I am alive. Is there really anything else I need to say?

I am worthy of being loved.

I said that last line to myself out loud and it brought tears to my eyes. I don't know why. Perhaps because I really and truly believe it.

To realize, to really realize that you are worthy of love, that you deserve love, it's overwhelming really.

For awhile, I let myself forget a lesson that I learned the very first time I did E. I don't think I'll soon forget it. Perhaps it was the mini-version of This is Your Life that I experienced this weekend. I know seeing my therapist has contributed to it. Perhaps forgetting the lesson for awhile has helped me to remember it and hold it dear that much better. I think working where I do has helped me to remember.

Going off on another thought that sort of relates to this last one. I am so very very lucky. It amazes me sometimes. I mean, wow. That's all I can really say. Wow.

  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable

Ok, this thought was inspired by that article that Azzy posted.

My primary reason for caring about my appearance, for dressing up, making myself look good has been because it makes me feel good. When I make myself look smashing for a night or day out, I feel good.

You want to know a secret? You know you do. I have never, ever dressed up solely for someone else. Never. I dress for myself, first and foremost.

I want to add to this post but I am having extreme difficulty finding the words. So I'll end this here.

One more thing that I think I can add. When someone else thinks I look good you are damn right it makes me feel good.

Hrmmmm . . . that has led to another thought that I think I will close this with. When someone else thinks that you look good, you feel good, right? So . . . when you wear something that is meant to impress someone else aren't you really doing it to make yourself feel good?

Because it is always nice to hear from a third party that you are one sexy bitch.

I am afraid that this post will sound incredibly vain but . . . it's true. And I feel I must dispell this stereotype of women dressing for the man in their life or whatever. Fuck that. I make myself look hot because I like looking hot. Period. I have, and always will, dress to please myself. Hell, I can't expect anyone else to dress to please me.

And Jesus was kung-fu fighting . . .

Come on, sing with me now. To the tune of the everybody was kung-fu fighting song. ~sings~ "And Jesus was kung-fu fighti-ing. He shoots out bolts of lightni-ing. Hal-le-lu-yah . . . . Hal-le-lu-yahhhhhh . . . .

What is this musical moment inspired by? Do you really want to know? ChaosStream has just gotten a new movie. We were browsing around at Tower Records and we came across this little gem in the Midnight Movies section. It is called Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.

I shit you not.

Jesus Christ returns to earth to hunt vampires. His partner is a Mexican wrestler. Jesus uses his kung-fu fighting skills to defeat the vampires.

I would post exactly what is written on the box but I don't feel like going downstairs to get. Maybe ChaosStream will post it later.

Oh, yeah, one thing I forgot to mention: it's a musical.

Again, I shit you not.

ChaosStream and I will be getting quite trashed tonight as we view this work of art/spectacle/utter monstrosity.

I'm sure you will get a report from one of us.

  • Current Music
    my little kung-fu fighting Jesus song

I just don't know . . .

I can't believe what I am watching. There was singing. And dancing. Jesus was singing and dancing. Jesus was kung-fu fighting.

It's just so . . . so . . . unbelievably awful.

Half the time I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
  • Current Music
    I can't believe I'm watching this . . .